Here it is folks, another middle of the night post from your (hopefully) favorite insomniac law student. My sleep schedule is so messed up right now, I hope that my circadian rhythms don't get thrown out of whack. Note: I don't actually know what circadian rhythms are, but they sound important, so I'd like them to stay regulated.
Anyhow, as many of you know, after a five year hiatus, I've recently begun wearing jeans again. The decision to do so was sort of spur of the moment, semi-prompted by my costume for Law Revue, as I'd long ago come to realize that what we wear doesn't define our relationship with religion. And, while I still believe that fervently, I find myself laying awake tonight contemplating jumping (modestly, of course) back on the skirts bandwagon.
Don't get me wrong, I love jeans. They are infinitely more comfortable than most skirts. (The years that I spent telling people that I found jeans uncomfortable, I was clearly deluding myself.) Wearing jeans makes getting dressed in the morning much, much easier. Jean skirts just don't have the same level of versatility. Plus, jeans look awesome. They are the deserving MVP of fashion and, if I do go back to skirts full-time, I will miss them dearly. And yet, I still find myself missing my skirt-wearing self.
I know that we should not wear our true selves on our sleeves, or in this case, our hemlines, but in the past weeks, I have felt myself changing in multiple ways that I am not particularly fond of, and I am wondering if my wardrobe change is a partial culprit. At this point, I must STRESS that none of what I write here is a judgment of the choices of others. I wish, wish, wish that I were a strong enough person that I did not require an outward reminder of the kind of person that I want to be, but alas, it seems that I am too weak for that. The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of outlines, exams, and study groups. I have barely made time to eat, much less go to shul, daven, do any kind of substantive chesed, or learn. And, for the first time in my life, my day-to-day social circle is not made up of individuals for whom these things are concerns. I absolutely love my law school friends. They are a group of unique, kind-hearted, smart, witty, and passionate individuals from whom I am constantly learning. But, for the most part, they are completely unfamiliar with the insular world in which I have been coddled for the past 23 years. It has been all too easy for me to slink into this law school world -- a world that is new, exciting, and fun -- and relegate my yiddishkeit to the back burner. I do not feel as though I am being duplicitous. I speak openly with my friends about kashrut, shabbat, and other aspects of my life -- when appropriate. But when the conversation doesn't take a decisively ethnic turn, I am finding myself all too happy to pretend that my religious life is just one of the many aspects of my self -- rather than the central aspect of my being that it truly is. The worrisome thing is that all this pretending is leading me to realize that I have cast aside some things that are important to me for the sake of fitting in.
Just to be clear, wearing skirts is not particularly important to me. I do not think that skirts are inherently more "tznius" than pants. And I certainly do not think that they are ANY kind of indicator of religiosity or commitment to halacha. But, I am wondering if I, in my compromised state, perhaps need the outward symbolism of the skirt to nudge me back to where I want to be religiously. Perhaps, if I recommit myself to putting a skirt on in the morning, I will be more conscious of other decisions that I make throughout the day. At the very least, I will be doing one thing, albeit a superficial one, to put Judaism in my mind as I set out into the world. I am disappointed that I find myself needing this particular prodding, but I am trying to be proactive in preventing an even more severe deviation from the lifestyle that I love and that I am committed to.
To end, I have to say that all of this makes me feel awfully hypocritical. I do not want to be a part of something that perpetuates the message that "you are what you wear." Nothing could be further from what I believe. Do you think there are other, more substantive, choices that I could be making? I really do want to hear from you. Most of you reading this are my nearest and dearest and I value your thoughts. So, spill.
Thanks for listening/reading and, as always, thanks for your friendship.
Much love, Y
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hey Yael,
ReplyDeleteIt is difficult to believe that you can uphold a strong 'you are not what you wear' attitude and still allow your clothing to be a driving force behind your religious behavior. Skirts are not arbitrary symbols of adherence to a particular religious group, in the way that something like tzitzis are (discounting gematrias and any indirect links between tcheiles, which most ppl don't even wear, and kisei ha'kavod), and even, I would argue, kippahs. By wearing one, you are not merely wearing a banner that identifies you as part of a religious group and imposes certain standards of behavior upon yourself. Instead, you're symbolically advocating (I'm studying for a Prezbo final about freedom of speech and symbolic speech right now) an entire worldview about the relationship between women and men, what constitutes 'modesty,' and woman's role in society. You might not subscribe to that worldview but others will assume that you do.
One might argue that aside from kippahs, there are really no ways for a women to externally distinguish herself as a Jew, barring dress code. But that is only a competing argument, and it is ultimately up to you do choose between valid arguments on either side of this issue. The pressures to remain committed to halakha which wearing a skirt imposes upon you might outweigh the argument that wearing a skirt promotes a worldview that you disagree with. You might not even disagree with the basic idelas expressed by that worldview (i.e., female modesty, etc.), but only that clothing is not the exclusive means to express those ideals. Still, it seems like your wearing a skirt, by virtue of the associations that it might trigger in others, goes against the ideas which you oppose in your post. Just some thoughts, nothing conclusive. But I hope this helps inform you decision. Take care.
Jakey
Hey Yael,
ReplyDeleteWhat a thoughtful post. There was a point in my life when I didn't wear pants outside the house, and I stopped because I realized it wasn't helping me become a more observant Jew, I just wanted to be able to be visible as a Jewish woman. I also felt like people were associating me with politics and opinions that I didn't hold, and therefore, I was trying to be someone I wasn't, and still am not. It's so important to wrestle with these things, I really think they make us smarter, stronger Jews and women.
Thanks again.
Chanel
[I posted this earlier, but the blogger ate it.]
ReplyDeleteY:
Pending a more serious (and longer) post, I recount a phenomenon that Y was citing for years already: That several of her peers would defect to pants-wearing on their morning-after (marriage).
So Y, what was your morning-after? Finals? Realizing that your stress and effort is best allocated elsewhere? Furthermore, is this going to be a fashion phase or transition?
I'm not going to address the merits of pants-wearing or transitioning-to-pants-wearing...maybe that's for a longer post...and I'm definitely all for it.
But I'm going to warn you that unless you are a community-organizer, your anti-pants-wearing community will not be following you. In other words, you'll be leaving people behind who can't see through your clothing. That may be harder to deal with in New York than in Washington.
On an even less serious note, I find it ironic how every time I cross-dressed on Purim with you, I was wearing pants, not a skirt. But that doesn't solve the Jewish issue, as Jakey discusses. But maybe Chanel's story addresses that.
So when are we going to see pictures? Are you going to turn this into a fashion blog to teach us how to wear jeans? What brand launched your line: Seven? BR? CK? YSL?
Hi Yael
ReplyDeleteThanks for another example of what are always thought-full and thought-provoking pieces.
I suppose I’m writing in the spirit of the age-old “misery loves company” adage. While skirt-wearing is obviously not a particular struggle of mine, the hyper-sensitivity to external displays which can be construed as expressions of particular opinions or affiliations of any kind is something I am bothered by on a daily basis. To be honest, I think sincerity is something we all struggle with whether it’s on account of this or the more general issue of our religious observance not having been arrived at objectively but rather on account of our upbringing and community. How can any of us ever be sure we’re doing things because they’re important (or at least we believe they are) and not because other people think they are? This is a challenge which presents itself in most aspects of our religious lives and it’s certainly not limited to skirts/pants, tzitzis, kippot etc. which are all things that are by their very nature more about display and less about sincerity. I think the struggle for sincerity is one which pervades every facet of our lives. Tainted motives for religious activity was so perverted to R. Menachem Mendl of Kotzk that he actually lived his last years in a forest in solitude hoping to shed any societal influences on his daily activity. There’s something about that which has always been very powerful to me; something in me that wants to be in the same forest as the Kotzker away from the eyes of scrutiny and approval. If, on a certain level, we’re unable to carry on our every day life exactly as it is while living in solitude, what sincerity can we claim to espouse?
But you write about how none of the societal implications are of concern to you. Your struggle is entirely personal. You grapple with religion being at the forefront of your consciousness and you think that your mode of dress can aid you in that battle. Yet, you’re concerned with the absurdity of a piece of fabric wrapped around both legs as opposed to each leg individually actually having any effect on your religious consciousness. Again, I hear you and I know how you feel. Years ago I thought the only response was to find a proverbial hut in the forest and test myself out for a while in order to gauge my independence of external factors on my religious persona. But over these last few years I’ve come to realize that no matter what we do, no matter what we take on and what we refuse to do, we are just flawed human beings trying to perfect ourselves.
If I can be permitted a bit of a reference…The Rambam’s climactic close to Hilchot T’shuva (see ch. 10) is an ode to sincerity and the beauty and ideal nature of service of God for no reason other than complete and utter love for her. Yet, in the very same sentences, he realizes that this is an ideal which is not really possible and therefore presents a service of God which is not necessarily ideal but which seeks to maintain our connection to her and our resolved to get closer to the ideal form of worship (avodah m’yirah).
At the end of the day, we’re influenced by external things. I long for the day when we’re all doing things completely for their own sake and not for the secondary and tertiary reasons we scrutinize – but until then, we’re flawed and have to do what we can. I don’t think Jakey’s point is a fair one; if you’re doing something not for reasons of affiliation or implications of a religious ideology but because it helps you in any way, the fact that “others will assume” that you do doesn’t undermine the whole act as Jakey suggested. If it’s important to you then it’s important to you. Who cares what everyone else thinks?!
Anyhoo, to close what turned out to be a much longer epistle than I had anticipated – do what you think is right. But not right on anyone’s account but your own.
Just some random thoughts and ramblings. Hope to see you and the rest of the chevra soon.
Your affectionate roommate-in-law,
Avi
Barring going to shul to say Kaddish, which in my mind is less an affirmation of any particular belief and much more an obligation to which I now find myself beholden, clothing has become almost the sole manifestation of my religious affiliation.
ReplyDeleteThere was a time when I thought it was powerful to dress like I belonged but in reality be a quiet subversive. Look at me, I fit in, but talk to me and you'll find something completely different underneath. I have grown tired of this, as I find the assumptions have taken over and my desire to change or even participate in the communtiy wanes.
This is troubling to me on a number of levels. I am certainly not the person my outer layers suggest, and my failure to actively participate in Judaism- though prayer, learning, chessed- is masked, perhaps even forgiven, by my uniform. Jeans may cover a number of sins, but a jean skirt covers them all.
I wonder if my resentment at modesty restrictions informs my inaction of late. Would I be a better Jew if I dressed as I pleased? That sounds too easy, though, a cop-out with no promise that I will actually follow through with a resurgence of practice once I shed what I view as outer trappings.
I do not think anyone in our particular subset of Orthodoxy truly believes in the importance of the skirt as anything other than a sociological signifier, an outward sign of membership. That said, I think you would be hard pressed to find any community- religious, intellectual, or otherwise- that doesn't to some extent use clothing as such a marker. It is not only the skirt that perpetuates "you are what you wear."
In the end, I think it comes down to the question of immediate identity association. Your non Jewish friends, I promise, notice your clothing choices less than any of us do. We are taught from a young age the difference not only in skirts vs. pants, but length, style, sleeves, fabrics, store choice, etc. To that end, when seen by a member of our community (in the broadest sense), who do you want to be? How do you present yourself knowing you will be judged?
I have no advice. I can only say that I personally do not find the clothing to be helpful in enforcing a desired outcome, and in my case, perhaps even the opposite. I signify that which I do not represent,and yet I have taken no action. Maybe this is the last vestige of my former involvement? Or is it actually holding me back? I just don't know.
Warning: This is going to be corny. Anyone who did not appreciate High School Musical 1, 2 or 3 for should probably not read on.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say that I am so grateful to be surrounded by a chevre that is so thoughtful, sincere and smart. I sometimes think an interesting thought has graced my mind and then I come here, to this blog, or to an email from a friend, or a coffee date or discussion group or whatever and I am presented with thoughts ten times as interesting. Or ten times as poetically presented, which in some ways is the same as hearing a different thought because it hits you differently. Harbei Lamaditi Mairabotai U'maichaveiri Yoter Mirabotai...(I have learned much from my teachers and from my friends more than my teachers).. I don't think we are the norm. I asked my mom if she used to talk about this stuff with her friends and she said no...I'm not sure why this is but for some reason (external things like uncommon levels of wealth which leads to extra thinking time? hypereducation? we simply are internally this way/rubbed off on each other?), I think the general slice of population we find ourselves in is unique.